The One That Could've Been It (Or at least could've been more than just casual)

 Let me start off by saying that I don't wish to interfere in your life or disrupt your current relationship which I found out about just now. I just wonder sometimes what could've happened if you didn't have a deadline back then. I was a jerk of a boyfriend. Probably the worst one you've had, idk. And I know that I wanted it to be serious but I had to constantly pull away so that I don't get too attached. I don't think I ever told you this. I mean I might've told you about some tiny instances where I was distant and the reason was this but it's a lot more than I let on. Cover your ears people reading this if you are under 18. We barely had any sex during our time together, despite me being a very perverted, dirty minded little heathen. I just couldn't let myself do it. Fall for you I mean. The day we started dating, I went away for a while because I was conflicted. I did what I wanted to, yes but was it really gonna end any less painful than it did? Was I an idiot for putting myself on the line, is what kept going in my head. That's why I didn't meet your mother either. I knew that I can't do it. I couldn't meet her. I walked up to your door so many times when your mother was visiting, just trying to build up the courage to knock. But, as you could've guessed, I couldn't do it. I even ghosted you for a while because I was getting too attached. None of my girlfriends have ever been as nice to me as you were. No one treated me so beautifully as you did. I will still give you shit for spending so much on me but that Christmas gift, nothing could've prepared me for it. It was something straight out of a rom-com. I always tell people that getting me gifts is really difficult and really easy at the same time. I will happily accept the gift, it'll mean the world to me. But at the same time, no one has ever given me a gift that was just perfect. That just hit the spot perfectly. Heck, you have no idea how difficult it was for me to not cry that day. Especially because the end of the year was here and I knew it was only a few more days till we're done. I still have it on my table right now as I write this. That ride back home, well I cried in that cab a little. Not ugly crying, I'm a MAAAAAANNNNNNN afterall, but some tough guy, stoic face, tears running down my cheeks while Bruno Mars' Marry You played in my earbuds type of crying. For others who are reading this, Marry You  was our song, in a way. I just couldn't resist playing that on loop all the way back from the airport. We never explicitly said "We're done". It was just a silent understanding. But that cab ride perhaps had the potential to tear me. I mean, despite me wanting to stay detached, we practically lived together for those last few weeks. And, honestly, I'm afraid I might never find that again. That level of bond, that feeling of coming home to you. Now, don't feel too bad for me, I'm just a hopeless romantic, so I do prefer to relish these moments and bonds a little more. But, that's all in the past now. All I can do now is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. So, I'mma go sleep now. Thank you truly, for all you've done and I hope your current relationship goes beautifully. I just wish that we had more time. That we could've done it right. Because falling for you could just be the best thing I could've ever asked for. Again, it's all just wishful thinking. I don't want to jeopardize your relationship at all. Plus, you probably won't even read this anyway. So cry me a river but I'm posting this borderline sappy, and straight-up romantic post with platonic intentions...... Could be a great movie, Platonic Intentions...