Why was I so confused? It's all so easy.

 The problem seems clear now, evidently. I need love to enrich me and lift me up. That's what it took last time I went down this rabbit hole. This time it seems easier but still quite a daunting task. The Cerberus is staring me down and I refuse to look away. The three-pronged guardian of peace stands in my way of becoming the harbinger of doom upon the savage land of the Judas in my mind. Gratitude, that is what I feel towards this beast. Doomed to guard the dark for eternity yet rears its ugly heads as a symbol of chaos to come. It isn't much but it provided me with enough to know where to begin and what to strive towards. I have been feeling recently as if I'm lacking purpose, reason. Maybe I have no purpose or maybe my purpose is to forever be in chase of what I WANT my purpose to be. And I refuse to believe that I was put here for no reason, just to twiddle my thumbs and pick my nose, metaphorically ofcourse.  Love liberated me, enchanted me, engulfed me and I succumbe

 To be drunk at 3 am, it feels like the world is against me. It feels as if I'm gonna die alone and I probably will. I called over a friend today, someone who I've hurt in the past. So, I completely deserve the wave of guilt I am feeling right now. But my problem is this, am I really that bad a guy? Do I not deserve love? Because ALL I want is to fall in love and have someone who loves me. But evidently, that's too much to ask. I have hurt people, including the lady in my bed right now. Don't worry bitch, I'm sleeping on the floor while she takes the bed. She's just a friend. But my concern is this, will I ever find love? Will I ever feel that magical feeling again? There was this one advice that always stuck with me. "How can you ever love anyone if you can't even love yourself?" and it stuck with me. I didn't love myself back then. And I don't love myself now. Does that mean I'm incapable of love? OR maybe this is repentance for all m