To be drunk at 3am

 To be drunk at 3 am, it feels like the world is against me. It feels as if I'm gonna die alone and I probably will. I called over a friend today, someone who I've hurt in the past. So, I completely deserve the wave of guilt I am feeling right now. But my problem is this, am I really that bad a guy? Do I not deserve love? Because ALL I want is to fall in love and have someone who loves me. But evidently, that's too much to ask. I have hurt people, including the lady in my bed right now. Don't worry bitch, I'm sleeping on the floor while she takes the bed. She's just a friend. But my concern is this, will I ever find love? Will I ever feel that magical feeling again? There was this one advice that always stuck with me. "How can you ever love anyone if you can't even love yourself?" and it stuck with me. I didn't love myself back then. And I don't love myself now. Does that mean I'm incapable of love? OR maybe this is repentance for all my crimes. I'm finally paying my dues. And it hurts like bloody hell... I sometimes wish I could go back in time and make it so that I was never the way I am now. Maybe ignorance is bliss and I would be happier being in the dark about the reality of the world... But if there's anyone to blame, it is me...

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Inner Demons, Outer Sermons

Unbeknownst to him, the walls are closing in, He feels trapped, feels like a fool, He can't be the one to do this, it's not his burden, He feels like a maniac, changing the rule, He suffers and cries, makes his sorrow known, The rule that makes the world go around, He finds no solace, He tries with all his might, with his hands bound, Can't be what they need him to be, In the kingdom of pain, he offers kindness, For as a man, he is just a man, In the realm of darkness, Samael they call him, He isn't god, he can't be god, Bringing the light, to cure all the blindness, But they make him out to be, The messiah of the voiceless, they call him, An imposter, his complex out for all to see, As his heart grows heavier, he continues to love, It seems to him that all hope is lost, Continues to bring the faith, as if straight from above, For him to be new again, In a ball of energy, he seems forgiving, He can't heal, Appears to be eternal to those who worship him, Can'
Read more

Ah shit, here we go again...

 Well, here we go again trying to revive the blog and keep it active........ at 4;09am. If only I was this smart when it came to... well a lot of things. You know you dumb when you can't even joke about it. Well, either way, let's try it again. I got my laptop fixed since we met last year and I had a few ups and downs. Dated a few, nothing serious and parted on good terms. But the problem arises again. My god I'm getting older. I just had to read my old blogs to see how the story progresses. But yeah, Jenny is back on my mind again. Not sure if it's just a crush or something more, or even just nostalgia. I do miss her friendship quite a bit. I've never called anyone my best friend since her, so obviously she's the absolute cream of the crop. But what is the situation now? It's a different time and we're both no more the kids playing in our front yards. Hello there, my 69 fans (yeah, i just checked, funnily enough there's exactly 69 views on my last p
Read more

The Heart is an Arrow, It Demands Aim to Land True

 The problem seems clear now, evidently. I need love to enrich me and lift me up. That's what it took last time I went down this rabbit hole. This time it seems easier but still quite a daunting task. The Cerberus is staring me down and I refuse to look away. The three-pronged guardian of peace stands in my way of becoming the harbinger of doom upon the savage land of the Judas in my mind. Gratitude, that is what I feel towards this beast. Doomed to guard the dark for eternity yet rears its ugly heads as a symbol of chaos to come. It isn't much but it provided me with enough to know where to begin and what to strive towards. I have been feeling recently as if I'm lacking purpose, reason. Maybe I have no purpose or maybe my purpose is to forever be in chase of what I WANT my purpose to be. And I refuse to believe that I was put here for no reason, just to twiddle my thumbs and pick my nose, metaphorically ofcourse.  Love liberated me, enchanted me, engulfed me and I succumbe
Read more