When is it Okay to Give Up...

 When is it okay to give up? When can I let go of her and finally move on from this frustrating chapter of my life? This is the longest problem I've had, it's as old as I am. Afterall, in the end it is the one thing that still has the power over me to tie me down. She is the one who can still bring me back to when I was a rampant 15 year old with anger management and commitment issues. I've tried countless things to fix the problems between us. I've tried every way I could've come up with. And I've even tried the way she wants me to be, because what if I'm wrong, right? But nothing worked, and it is clear now, the problem is her. She is the cause of the issues and unfortunately, only she can fix this. I would much rather have the problems be with me completely because I know I can trust myself with it to fix it and be better next time. But her, she is my kryptonite. She's the one person that the dumb messiah could never help. And to make it worse, she is also the first passion project I took on. Charity and therapy both begin at home. So, I suppose either it will never be okay to give up on her, or I should've given up on her years ago. Either I have done enough, more than enough, or I haven't done nearly as much I should and the latter scares me more than anything because what awaits me in the years to come is misery and disappointment, nothing else. But what needs to be done, must be done. So, I'll keep on losing bits and pieces of my sanity for as long as needed, the problem is I don't know how long will that be. I just hope that I don't lose myself trying to find her. No, you know what, this is too mellow. I need to rant, I need to vent. I can't be doing this for my entire life. It isn't my duty to make sure that she grows up and acts her age. It isn't my headache, it shouldn't be my headache to have to help her when it must be the other way around. Every time that I get back to my hometown, it is always the same. The same toxicity every single time, same pain, same pointless arguments, same useless fights, same shit different day. And time after time of being misunderstood and labelled as someone who just loves to fight, to point out mistakes and be the fall guy for all animosity of this relationship. Is it fair? Am I being unreasonable here? Because I would happily just blame myself and proceed from there. This is not something that I should have to deal with. I was dealt a bad hand in life, but the one place whether the odds weren't that bad, the one place that was supposed to provide me with refuge after all the bullying, the heartache (emotional and literal), the insomnia, the depression, the bad habits, the worse mental health. And that one safe haven was not the worst either, it didn't treat me bad, it just didn't care... 

So, maybe it is time to give up now, maybe it is time to realise it is never gonna get easy, maybe it is time to realise that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I don't know which one it is. But I know one thing, I hate that I have to be dealing with this. And if I could, I would just cry my eyes out and block her and in my anger and pettiness never contact her again and cut her and everything she comes with out of my life forever. But it doesn't seem like today is the day. I guess, it's time for a good night's sleep...