Why was I so confused? It's all so easy.

I was thinking that I want a sparring match with Hugsy. He's one of my close friends and I know that he can bring a decent fight. Plus he won't be butthurt about any bruises I might end up inflicting. And no offense to Blossoms, he's resourceful but I don't think he'd fare well in combat. Plus, it's been a while since I had a sparring match, too long if you ask me. The last match I had was, I think it was in 2016. Me and this kid whose name I forget gave me the beating of my life. The most beautiful smackdown that I cherish and endear more than I realized then. He was a no bullshit, straight shooter. He was a southpaw too, so that caught me completely off-guard. My god, what a divine fight that was. The sweetest bloody nose I've ever had, truly. Ah, I miss the rush. I miss the thrill. I miss the adrenaline that surges through every single vein in your body. I won that match but the scars still remain, and I mean actual physical scars on my knuckles. Whenever

 Just saw my blog stats for the first time, because I found out a few seconds ago how to access them and I am truly amazed by this. I don't broadcast this blog. I don't go flaunting or bragging. Despite that, just this month, over 40 people have visited my blog. And if that wasn't enough, 90+ have visited my blog in the last month alone. I wasn't looking for this, but I sure am excited to see it. Thank you, to whomever reads this. Really, it's so cool to me that people are actually interested and keep coming back to my blog. What started as a pseudo-attempt at a deep dark web visit is now a halfway decent blog. Fun, I suppose. Well, here's to hoping it doesn't blow up. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!!!!!

Well, I guess the moment of truth is, one way or another, coming soon. Talked to Amy about the Jenny stuff last night. Had a great chat about it and she volunteered to talk to Jenny for me. No, she won't tell her that I sent her but she will tell Jenny that she talked to me and we'll see what she says, I don't know how I feel about it. I don't generally prefer to involve others in my business and I don't know how I feel about letting Amy talk to her on my behalf. But whether Jenny agrees to talk to me or not, this chapter is coming to an end. I realize that what I wanted from her was some effort, in any form really. Even if it is just to scream "fuck off" at Amy. I suppose the mere acknowledgement from her that I exist could help me get closure. I guess the thing that's been bugging me the most is that she will always be a part of my life, I can never pretend she's a stranger. But, it feels like for her I am a stranger already. So, maybe some ackno

 Well, here we are again. Early morning with random thoughts in your head. Is it just me or is this happening with everybody? I don't mean like at the same time but this is happen with everyone? I don't know, man. Sometimes I'm just unable to sleep. For whatever reason it may be, I just can't seem to find my way around this one slight dilemma... You guys remember Jenny by any chance? It's okay if you don't, I mean she is only the girl that my entire blog basically sparked because of. Anyways, I don't know how to deal with the problem. She, SHE is the problem. She keeps popping up in my head. Random things end up reminding me of her. Maybe I see someone who looks a bit like her, or talks a bit like her. Or laughs a bit like her. And it's basically atleast once or twice a day.  Now, in this world, I have never faced a problem that stumped me so. Because the key plot twist here is, I KNOW what has to be done to fix this. But that seems downright impossible.

 Do you ever wonder if that one person, just that one specific person from your past would ever come back in your life? Or how you'd react if they did? Or how would they react? Would they be pissed at you or would they just run up into your arms? We all know who I'm talking about. The First Crush. Everybody has one, but never get them to themselves. Only 18% of the people on the face of the earth know how it feels to have their crush like them back. Real statistic, look it up. The rest of us just take it as a lesson and try to learn from it. And then, one day out of the blue, that person comes back in your life and disrupts all that you've built ever since you lost them and moved on. You're SURE you don't have feelings for them anymore but you can't help it that you're attracted towards them again and it feels different but familiar. Weird, but powerful. You start to wonder again, your mind boggles at the possibilities that just opened up. Are you really att

I had a pretty weird dream last night. It was quite confusing but seemed like something I could do. I do not remember much of it but it went something like this. I am on a train to reach a city called Rapid City and there's a nationwide school chain in the country called DPS, and I went there for 10 years. So, I arrive at the city and make my way towards the school for some reason and before you know it, I'm standing in front of the main gate. Now, the catch is, Rapid City isn't my hometown, and I didn't attend this branch of DPS. But, here goes nothing and I went inside. I talked to some administrative staff and informed them of me being an alumnus and that I needed some school attested documents for applying in some master's degree or something. One thing led to another and I'm smoking pot in front of them and they're in awe because they've never seen a bong so big. And during all this, a teacher from my current, real life college shows up there. Let&#

 How alone are we all? Many of us think that loneliness is a sickness. Something pitiful, and something far away from them to truly seem comprehensible. But, perhaps the reality is harsher than we'd expect. So, as I sat at my laptop in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes, I couldn't stop myself from thinking of years ago. The Dark Ages of my life, the era that shaped my life and firmly decided my fate to eventually end up down under. While in this colossal image I can see my past with excruciating detail, with all the mishaps highlighted, I wonder what my purpose could've been, am I even aware of it? Or is it something completely alien. I respect individualism and free will, but it can not be extensively endorsed as the universal truth. What if we don't have a choice? What if all our actions have already been preset and assigned to us? We are slaves of patterns, it wouldn't be far-fetched to assume that it is all planned out. Humans are, as most of us know

 Another day, another shit. As we go into this late night of adventures, a.k.a. computer games, I need to get something off my chest. Shit, I forgot what I wanted to say. Right, here it is. I am not a nice guy. I've hurt people, I've caused harm, I've injured some. And, it pains me that I did. I can forget certain memories on command and it does take a toll on me. But I suppose, my comeuppance for all these sins is that I shall remember them till the day I die... Update, I'm no more at my house and it's almost 4:40am. As I was saying, I'm not a nice guy. I never was, nor will I ever will be. Because, frankly it's impossible. No one's a nice person of their own accord. Because 'nice' doesn't fill stomachs, 'nice' doesn't fill pockets. As long as there are assholes near me, I must be a nice guy because if not me, then who? Getting back to the topic, it's been a while since I've written something. I used to love writing but n

 Well, I will probably regret this but I'm posting the blog link on my REAL IG account. Not gonna lie, it'll just make it easier for me to find this blog again. But it could also ruin a lot of my relationships. I'm not who I used to be, but some people in my IG are just idiots. So, Hi, potential idiot, hope you read this post first and understand that I don't wanna stir shit up. I don't mean trouble and if you ask me in person about this, I might just deny it all being true. As for the ones who I KNOW will read this and are not idiots, just don't let this change the way you look at me. I know some bitch tried to change that view recently but this is a little bit more darker and offensive than that. And if it bothers you, just talk to me and here's to hoping Goldy doesn't read it... I'll explain it to you in person why I kinda don't want you to read, Goldy. Anyways, it's almost 6am, time for my walk. Last time I went for a walk after doing a b

 Well, here we go again trying to revive the blog and keep it active........ at 4;09am. If only I was this smart when it came to... well a lot of things. You know you dumb when you can't even joke about it. Well, either way, let's try it again. I got my laptop fixed since we met last year and I had a few ups and downs. Dated a few, nothing serious and parted on good terms. But the problem arises again. My god I'm getting older. I just had to read my old blogs to see how the story progresses. But yeah, Jenny is back on my mind again. Not sure if it's just a crush or something more, or even just nostalgia. I do miss her friendship quite a bit. I've never called anyone my best friend since her, so obviously she's the absolute cream of the crop. But what is the situation now? It's a different time and we're both no more the kids playing in our front yards. Hello there, my 69 fans (yeah, i just checked, funnily enough there's exactly 69 views on my last p

 It's been long enough since my last Blog. 3 years, i believe. Quite a lot has changed. Quite a lot has happened. Quite a few people have been hurt because of my actions and quite a few people love me for those same actions. Hi, my name is Josh and welcome to my Blog.  Life is one tricky little game. You often become what you try so hard not to be. As someone with a bad medical and romantic history, I can attest to this. We are worried about our image in the society. We are worried about others' "opinions" on us. And we're scared of our secrets coming out. But fellas, have you ever seen a painting up close? In the background, you can see the barely visible outline of the picture that was on the canvas before. That's right folks, they don't wash the canvas before painting a new one.  You can always paint over your image. Gossip is a wild fire but new trees can be planted in the burnt forest. The fire has to dwindle down sometime. And when it does, you have

I know, I know. I need to update the blog. Been a while since I posted. It's a tough life. And I hate it anyways, and keeping up with it is much harder. I'll try. Just trying to figure out how to write down my feelings when I can't even describe them. Don't worry though. I read all the comments. Thanks for the support guys. Just know that my life isn't that bad right now. It's slightly better. I'll post soon. Thanks again y'all.

See, there is one advice for you people. Whenever, wherever, if you see me, just kill me. Stab me, shoot me, your choice. Just please kill me. And for those who haven't read my previous posts, hi. And go read them. Anyways, I have trouble sleeping.(understatement of the year. I can't sleep at all). So I now use  sleeping pills. But that too has it's side effects. I have horrible nightmares. HORRIBLE. I just had one and now I'm shaking with fear. Good thing I have my friend, autocorrect here, helping me write correctly. If anybody has any suggestions regarding sleep, please share it with me. You can add a comment on this blog and tell me. Just please, I'm getting desperate here. I'll continue the story later. Maybe. I hope. Just please help me this once. 

All right. Back to bitching mode. Okay, so now you know about me. How I was a moody kid back then, am suffering cause of it. Also, if you haven't read my previous posts, man this ain't your cup of tea. First read them and then come back. I'll wait. All done? Good. Let's continue from the point where I was getting my ass kicked. BY A GIRL. Anyways. I remember that day. Didn't go as expected. Also pretty much the worst day of my life. So I was with Maggie in her hotel room, being puched and slapped. "How could you?" "What?" Josh was really nervous but it was just a matter of time that that nervousness skyrocketed. "Josh, I didn't expect this from you. Do you even know what you've done?" Josh was frozen still because he had an idea of what mistake she was referring to. I mean, he had only ever made one huge mistake that could cause this type of commotion. But what could he possibly have done to hurt anyone else. "When y

Read the previous posts first. So, today I'm in a good mood. Had a good day at the office. Not many people annoyed me with their "small talk". Had a few drinks. Got a new handset that I ordered. Not gonna reveal which. Saw a girl at the bar. Everything was fine until I saw her face. Not it wasn't Jenny. But she looked a lot like her and eff my luck, but there was only one seat available and that was besides me. I was freaking out. She sat besides me. Even though it looks like a beautiful girl talks to a man at the bar, other than the bartender, only in movies. But, again, eff my luck. Unfortunately I was drinking her favorite drink. Not gonna reveal either. So she got a topic. I just quickly finished it and ran out leaving her confused. Although, she didn't pay much attention to details, I hope. Anyways, on the way home, I grabbed a couple of my favorite beers and just enjoyed a quiet night. Unfortunately due to the club next door, I don't sleep really we

Well, this blogging thing is new for me and I don't exactly know what to write and what not. But still, it's not bad. If you are reading this I recommend that you read my previous post first. And if you have already, just don't share it with anyone. Well you can but just very few trusted people. Now let's get to it. So I use this blog to bitch about my problems. Which surprisingly are not that bad. I mean so what I had a crush. It's common, give it a month or two. It'll fade away. Not exactly. It's almost 4 years since I realised. And don't know how long I've had it. But it's weird and confusing. Sometimes I think "do I really?" And sometimes I think "Ofcourse you idiot." I mean it's not like I think about her all the time but when I do, I can't keep track of time. When I see her it's like Christmas Eve in my head. All the excitement and enthusiasm. But last that happened a long time ago. So, in this post

Who am I? What's the purpose of my existence? Should I really be alive? I ask myself these questions everyday. Don't worry. I don't get the answers. It's not like I'm a genius. Hi. My name is...... well I'd rather keep it a secret. "My life goes pretty well." This would be someone's first reaction. "I have a big house, a big family, nice friends, a cute dog and a decent pocket money." All those things, BULLSHIT. My house ain't that big, not a big family, not-so-nice- friends, and a very low pocket money. I have a cute dog though. But even after all these things, my life don't look so bad now, does it? Well as any other story, there's a twist. A BIG EFFING (F***ING) TWIST. I DON'T WANNA LIVE. I don't see any purpose for myself and I don't like to do things that don't have a purpose. But somehow, someway, I'm still alive. AFTER 4 EFFING HEART ATTACKS I'm still alive. AFTER LITERALLY EATING ACID (BY