Why was I so confused? It's all so easy.

 Hello, how've you been? You're done? What do you mean? But I need you, can't you see how much you mean to me? With the thought of you every morning I rise, I would go to whatever lengths just to see you smile. Oh please have some faith in yourself, trust me, I would keep you happy, if I could have you for a while. If hell froze over, that would be nice, For I could join you in heaven for the rest of time, But even if it doesn't, I'll still break out, To come back to you, because you are what my life is all about. If it comes, if it goes, my love you're hurt and it shows I would take care of you, keep you happy, keep you close, So let us hit the road, drive to a hilltop and lie on the grass, Stare at the moon while I stare at you, it's you who I'll always choose. So take my hoodie, don my shirts, Feeling this way, for me it's a first, I don't know what it is that you got, But no one does what you do, you are all I got. You see me for who I am and

 Reasons to give, reasons to love Reasons to care, to care for some, To bond and grow, to hell with what may come  So when you see the boogeyman, run run run You thought it's easy, you didn't expect, You didn't love the way one should, gave no respect Now you shall wander around as a reject Because what you sow in this world is what you get The bad you do stays with you, The good you do comes back to you, For most this doesn't make any sense, And one's who get it don't think it's true. They think the world is cruel, They make their hardships their fuel  With visors covering their world view, It seems darker to them, blurred by hue Remedies for restitution, for debts must be paid, Spreading butter on a toast, while spewing venomous hate, in the world as you hate it to be, it must be so hard, Then take yourself out of this world to make it a better place We need better people to spread joy, Not one's that would rather place a decoy  So many reasons to give

Max here was a great French leader of his time and played a huge role as the leader of the French Revolution. He spearheaded the operation and was the one to execute King Louis XIV, and brought about perhaps one of the greatest stories of freedom ever told. His ideology? People in power need to be held accountable for their actions. Great message wouldn't you say? I mean it was more difficult for the French to do that because it was a monarchy, rather than a government that claims to be to, of and for the people. So, it should supposedly not have to reach the point of beheading the head of the country to have them held accountable, right? So, it doesn't have to be so difficult to achieve a simple harmony between the people and the government. Robbie then went on to live the best time of his life. From fighting the rulers of the great nation for the rightful resources that the people deserve, and need to survive, to being the deputy of the National Assembly. Maximillian climbed

 Lately, the one problem that keeps holding me back from achieving my dream. The problem is I don't know what women want. I am bisexual for reference but I guess I was so exposed to the idea of a man and a woman creating a family that I am more inclined towards women. Trust me, gay men have no troubles communicating with their partners. It is simply much more effective. I have to say, I am losing faith... I don't have high expectations, I don't have unattainable standards, I don't understand where I am wrong. I'm sure it's somewhere but someone tell me where. I am not a possessive person, I keep my jealousy in check, I don't let my insecurities affect my partner's lifestyle choices. I am supportive, loving, caring, I do things before she would even think to ask. I am reliable, dependable, adaptable, and reasonable. What more am I supposed to give to achieve something that people are just stumbling upon, people who don't even deserve it... Through the

 When is it okay to give up? When can I let go of her and finally move on from this frustrating chapter of my life? This is the longest problem I've had, it's as old as I am. Afterall, in the end it is the one thing that still has the power over me to tie me down. She is the one who can still bring me back to when I was a rampant 15 year old with anger management and commitment issues. I've tried countless things to fix the problems between us. I've tried every way I could've come up with. And I've even tried the way she wants me to be, because what if I'm wrong , right? But nothing worked, and it is clear now, the problem is her. She is the cause of the issues and unfortunately, only she can fix this. I would much rather have the problems be with me completely because I know I can trust myself with it to fix it and be better next time. But her, she is my kryptonite. She's the one person that the dumb messiah could never help. And to make it worse, she i

 You know what's funny? I never expected this blog to gain so much popularity. Now, I know it isn't famous and stuff but still, I just thought it'll be lost in a dark corner of internet years ago. But now, we have over a thousand views. And I can't get over the fact that over a thousand people are actually curious to read the bullshit I spew. My most viewed posts include An Ode to Odile, What Could've Been. Now, I have a decent feeling who keeps rereading the Odile post. So, thank you, Odile. Sometimes, I wish you had a better eye for friends and people you keep close to yourself. The crowd you run with is what leads you down the path of pain every time. As of now, only Nancy is someone who's actually good for you. Everyone else you hang out with are just viruses. They'll corrupt your heart until there's nothing left to corrupt. But nuff about someone who would replace me with any other person who has a bike. The What Could've Been post is something

 The problem seems clear now, evidently. I need love to enrich me and lift me up. That's what it took last time I went down this rabbit hole. This time it seems easier but still quite a daunting task. The Cerberus is staring me down and I refuse to look away. The three-pronged guardian of peace stands in my way of becoming the harbinger of doom upon the savage land of the Judas in my mind. Gratitude, that is what I feel towards this beast. Doomed to guard the dark for eternity yet rears its ugly heads as a symbol of chaos to come. It isn't much but it provided me with enough to know where to begin and what to strive towards. I have been feeling recently as if I'm lacking purpose, reason. Maybe I have no purpose or maybe my purpose is to forever be in chase of what I WANT my purpose to be. And I refuse to believe that I was put here for no reason, just to twiddle my thumbs and pick my nose, metaphorically ofcourse.  Love liberated me, enchanted me, engulfed me and I succumbe

 To be drunk at 3 am, it feels like the world is against me. It feels as if I'm gonna die alone and I probably will. I called over a friend today, someone who I've hurt in the past. So, I completely deserve the wave of guilt I am feeling right now. But my problem is this, am I really that bad a guy? Do I not deserve love? Because ALL I want is to fall in love and have someone who loves me. But evidently, that's too much to ask. I have hurt people, including the lady in my bed right now. Don't worry bitch, I'm sleeping on the floor while she takes the bed. She's just a friend. But my concern is this, will I ever find love? Will I ever feel that magical feeling again? There was this one advice that always stuck with me. "How can you ever love anyone if you can't even love yourself?" and it stuck with me. I didn't love myself back then. And I don't love myself now. Does that mean I'm incapable of love? OR maybe this is repentance for all m

I understand the inner workings of society to some extent, I would say. I have transcended the paramount metrics of existence. The scales we use to judge every action and by extension every human. The eternal debate between two sides of the same coin, destined to forever be together yet doomed to never have any overlapping views. The Right v. The Wrong. We have achieved almost everything that we need for sustenance. Now it's just a quest for purpose, rather than survival. We created society, civilization, laws, government and all the crap to simply pass time. And we created the parameters for what is to be considered right and what is deemed wrong. Simply put, right is whatever is socially acceptable, no matter how barbaric, apartheidic, toxic, degrading, misogynistic, misandrous, or corrupt it may be. If the majority accepts it, it is RIGHT. I, however, don't care much for the segregation of facts into these two piles. No, I don't go around publicly defame the law and the

 As I grow older, dreams have begun haunting me again. I thought that that phase of my life was far gone but history has an uncanny habit of plagiarism. The dreams however, differ on a molecular level from the ones from the 'Dark Ages'. They used to be disturbing, scary, horrific, giri, sadistic and masochistic. The second coming has brought forth more desire driven dreams in this disoriented daze that we call sleep. It is ironic how these dreams keep me up. So many hours of the night have I wasted pondering over these delirious delusions. But perhaps that is my purpose, my sense of existence to finally be of some use to the society.  But then why am I reluctant to accept my destiny? What is it that makes a person play make belief even after they're an adult? I can't have my purpose be to lose sleep over hallucinations. I am not gonna go down as a nobody. I'm gonna leave my mark on the whole bloody world. When I grow up, j am gonna make sure people think twice befor

 Sometimes it just seems everybody only wants to patronize me. But it's just me, I'm just being me. But it feels like the world has a vendetta against me. Well, bring it on with all you got. Because after all the ones before you who tried, to quote Elton John, I'm still standing. And stronger than ever. So if you succeed, Godspeed. But you better make sure to finish the job if you shoot your shot. Because I won't exact vengeance but rather my mere existence would be a curse upon you. This isn't arrogance, simply the faith I've put in myself because it doesn't seem like people are lining up really to put their faith in me. I try to be a good person whenever I can. I try to do right by people whenever I can. But as of late, it feels like I'm doing something wrong. There is something fundamentally wrong with my way of thinking that's stopping me from achieving happiness. Perhaps it might be time for a heel turn. I do not know how I feel about it. It'

 Well, the last time we met, I met this cute girl and life was looking pretty good. But since then, things have ended between us. No, this isn't an Taylor Swift style post, I'm not going to bash her. Not here, not anywhere else either. But I can't help feeling hurt. It seemed like a long shot, yes and I did willingly bear the risks but it didn't work out not for the reasons that I was bracing myself for. It felt like I am not worth fighting for. It felt like I am not worth the efforts that one must put into any relationship to make it work. Because, while I was fighting for us, something that merely felt like a whisper of reality, she was busy fighting for herself. Maybe that is the way we are all wired internally. I choose not to believe it, but as I get older, I keep finding evidence of people just being cynical. And once enough people start to be cynical, it doesn't matter if the basis of that cynicism is a sham. It will be the new religion. Shaky basis with such

 Truly, it seems that the world is out to get me. Maybe I'm imagining the signs, maybe I'm hallucinating too much. But maybe, my days are numbered. Things have been happening lately that make me worried and concerned. Today, I dodged and barely avoided a road accident. I was driving my bike casually, like I always do and out of nowhere a truck cut in front of me and took the biker right in front of me with it. If I didn't brake on time and turn to the left, I would've been trampled. The truck driver evidently was trying to avoid hitting a dog, but there was no dog on the road...Creepy.  There was another incident recently too. I am not sure but I believe I was about to be mugged. I went out for a walk at night and was smoking a cigarette as a man pulled up and started asking for directions. This soon turned into him asking my qualifications? Of course, all I told him were lies. Anyways, he then out of nowhere grabbed my hand and I panicked. I pulled him to the side and

 A wise man once said ain't no rest for the wicked, but who are these wicked beings? Is it humans? It is the Homo Sapiens? The Neanderthals? Or it is not referring to beings, but rather systems? Perhaps civilization as we know it? As I continue to foster my recently acquired habit of reading, combined with my gullible impressionism, I am forced to ponder the cliched age old debate, Hobbs v. Rousseau. "Give us power, or everything is lost" v. "Give us liberty or everything is lost." And in my mind, this begs the question, what even is power? How do you put a measurement scale in such a bind that it can finally measure and assess power? If power is simply the semblance of control over an an individual, a group/community, events or situations, or even just simply emotions, then are any of us really powerful? Or are we merely influential? We put these impositions on reality to try and gain some semblance of control over our lives, but what happens when the Killer Ap

It could've gone better, It could've been good. It shouldn't have broken the structure that stood The strands of hope, tugged on by  turmoil, He didn't live the way he should. She felt lost, with no place to go,  Nowhere to run, legs running slow, Tired of pain, she stopped right there, Fought back, kicked it into high gear. She gave it all she had, she put her soul into it, She tried to let go of the trauma, tried hard to do it. But fate doesn't treat her right, so she needs to take flight, Like a black swan, flying gracefully into the night. All she did was take what he gave, Even when he would grossly misbehave. But she withstood it all, for she was brave, Braver than she knew, growing wiser by the day She goes on, hiding all the pain inside, No destination, no end in sight. Trying to make the best of what's left of her, She's becoming a warrior in disguise. War is not her strong suit, hatred is alien to her, With adrenaline gushing straight through her,

 When the sky falls, I'll be gone When doomsday calls, I'll be gone When the stars collide and boom goes the dynamite, When salvation arrives at my door, I'll be gone When cars begin to fly, I'll be gone When politicians don't lie, I'll be gone, When newborns don't cry, when governments die, With relief when the people all sigh, I'll be gone Gone will be by money, Gone will be my properties, Gone will be my accomplishments, Gone will be my priorities. When love comes a calling, I'll be gone. When destiny becomes appalling, I'll be gone When hope knocks on my door, when morality is on the floor, When pain gets you hauling, I'll be gone. When you call my name, I'll be gone When you feel no shame, I'll be gone. When you play no games, when you stay the same When you forget the fame, I'll be gone When chaos ensues, when violence breaks, When the world disintegrates, I'll be gone. When the elite stop doing whatever it takes , When

 To sit in school and think of you, wishing you were here, Classes just don't have the same appeal anymore to me, To sit here worrying about the future, it feels strange, With you as my past, feels like my future won't ever be complete. I am a stranger to you, not even a fly on the wall, I don't exist, I don't exist in your world at all. I can never enter or be in your mind, I could try, but you will never answer my call. I've lied, I've hurt, I caused a lot of pain, I struggle for most part to just stay sane. I made you suffer or atleast I think I did, I regret it every time I go down memory lane. Has my life been rough these past years, I don't know But you have a fun and joyful time wherever you go Then how am I the better person here, Despite having sunk so low a few years ago. I lie awake at night, thinking of what I have Planning for the future and reminiscing what I had Patience is my virtue, I am calm enough, I wish I could help you, replace all the

I remember the day, like it was yesterday, I remember it exactly, just the way it went down and I was on the ground, paralysed, terrified, unable to run away. Unable to move, to save you from harm, I was so close to you yet somehow so far. That day changed the foundation of who we are to each other, I became the lover from afar. From a distance I saw, the love, the pain, the games the things you went through, you'll never be the same. And I couldn't do anything to help you for how could I? You didn't even remember my name. But I remember you, I could never forget Never pretend to be strangers like we never met like we never fell for each other but the timing was off, It felt as if fate never wanted us to have it all. Yeah, we could've had it all, we could've been lovers, Could've been each others for all the summers. Could've been one for the rest of time, For the rest of eternity, I could've called you mine. Can I call you mine was the one thing in my h

 Is it too obvious that I am running out of ideas to talk about on this blog? Or did I hide it well? Anyways, back to the topic of Legislation of Morality. We left with the questions placed upon the credibility of the supposed arbitrary person or people chosen to decide the morals of the world. Who even would be qualified to be chosen? Could it be a reputed personality famous for their humanitarian deeds? Or should it be someone who lives a quiet life and would remain anonymous for obvious reasons? So, let's say we solve the problem of the said person or people being railroaded and suppressed by the masses by keeping them anonymous. This shall negate the idea of what will the court of public opinion rule on their fates. So, now that we have that system in place, we need to find a selection criteria to decide who gets to be a part of this elite force. Simply put, those who want to be a part of it the most are the least qualified to do so. Not because we want someone who hates to do

I suppose I can say that I am infected by the virus of hope. And it is not nearly as contagious as I'd like it to be. So, as I sit here, isolated from the outsiders, focused on all of these four walls, I was overcome by the oddest sensation. I feel safe here. I feel comfortable here. I feel calm here. And you know what? That thought scared the shit out of me. So I'll be right back from the washroom... Cool, now that I'm back, let's continue. Being confined to these walls, these walls that have become my sanctuary over the last 2 years, is a scary thought indeed. A lot of my memories, good, bad and the ugly, have taken place right here. But to be confined to these walls is the same as being confined anywhere. Perhaps I am exaggerating how scary the thoughts are but I can't deny that they shook me to my core. When the pandemic started, I never felt that scared because I had faith that it can't harm me. Sure, I took the basic precautions but they were mostly for th